How to get polyamory wrong

There’s no one right way to do any relationship, but there are plenty of wrong ways.

And the way polyamorous relationships begin sometimes dooms them from the start. Here are some common reasons that people are attracted to polyamory:

💙 We want a “third”
💙 I think Polyamory will be good for my existing relationship
💙 Polyamory is better than cheating

If you find it hard to have only one partner but you want serious relationships with more than one person, polyamory may be for you. If you meet somebody and think: I love this person and I still love my existing partner — then polyamory may be for you.

If you prefer one committed relationship plus casual relationships on the side, that’s perfectly legitimate! Try swinging, hiring sex workers, or having an open relationship where you have a friend-with-benefits that your partner knows about.

We want a “third” aka “unicorn hunting.”

Usually this person needs to be a young bisexual woman who will be happy to serve a heterosexual couple sexually and help around the house in exchange for love and free housing.

There are several red flags.

❤ Why does it have to be a bisexual woman?

Usually it’s because the man in the relationship feels insecure about his woman partner having penises other than his own in the mix aka “One Penis Policy”. Unexamined insecurities like this always result in conflict, hurt and anger.

❤ What happens if the unicorn starts falling more in love more with one person than the other?

And let’s face it, it’s impossible for one person to fall in love with another person at the same rate and the same time. It’s easy for one partner to feel neglected, discarded and insecure.

❤ In unicorn hunting the couple comes first.

Maybe this sounds reasonable to you. But think of it like this:

Imagine you met an amazing person and you say to them. “I come first. Anything you do must fit in with me because I was here before you.” That wouldn’t work for one relationship. Why would it work for two?

❤ Why does she have to have sex with both people in the couple?

Usually it’s because the couple is bored with each other and think it will be fun to find a regular sex partner for the two of them. They are thinking about this person as a sex-toy to make their boring relationship more exciting.

 

This is an actual ad!
This is unpaid sex work, not polyamory!

Polyamory is about committed, intimate relationships . It’s a relationship alongside your existing relationships. If it’s just about the sex for you, there’s nothing wrong with that. Tell the person you’re with! They may be down for that.

Then try swinging, sexworkers or casual sex and threesomes.

Polyamory is something people do. It’s not something couples do.

Polyamory will fix our relationship

Sometimes a couple feels that having another person in their life will take the pressure off their own relationship for a bit.

Things to think about:

❤ Having another relationship will put even more pressure on your existing relationships.

When people feel insecure, angry, threatened or hurt in their intimate relationships, the last thing they want to see is their partner in another brand new relationship.

❤ If they have a brand new relationship it’s easy to idealise that new relationship

It’s called New Relationship Energy and it can result in neglecting their existing relationships. Or even worse, start feeling the new person is better than their existing relationship.

❤ This isn’t fair on the newer relationship either.

They signed up for a romantic intimate relationship and instead they get a toxic mess of people in conflict or splitting from longstanding relationships. Nobody is at their best under those circumstances.

If you can’t manage one relationship, then how will you manage two?

Polyamory means I don’t have to cheat

If you find yourself wanting more than one intimate relationship, polyamory may be for you.

Having a conversation with your partner about how you define faithfulness and commitment in your relationship is always a good idea. The best time to talk about this is long before you meet another person.

❤  Polyamory shines a light on your insecurities.

If you already have somebody in mind, or if you’ve started chatting to a new potential lover when you raise the subject, it’s the same as a betrayal. It’s hard for the existing partner not to feel disposable under those circumstances.

It’s better to chat openly about attractions to other people before they turn into crushes or emotionally intimate relationships.

❤ When your partner falls for somebody else, you may feel jealous.

Jealousy is a fear of losing your partner’s time, attention or money because of somebody else. These insecurities need to be dealt with long before you start a new relationship. And the skills will be useful in your new relationships as well.

❤  Cheating happens in Polyamory

Cheating happens when you have to keep secrets from a partner. If you’re nervous about what will happen if your partner finds out about what you’re doing, then you’re probably being unethical. It doesn’t matter if you’re polyamorous or not. Cheating is cheating.

People cheat for all sorts of reasons. It’s not always a sign of an unhappy relationship. But cheating is always destructive. It’s a betrayal that many people can never get past.

If in past relationships you met somebody and thought: I love this person and I still love my existing partner, then polyamory may be for you.

If you are happy to have a real relationship with somebody who already has other relationships, polyamory may also be for you.

Share your thoughts

What attracted you to Polyamory? What is sex, commitment or loyalty to you? How do you define cheating? Leave your thoughts below or come discuss with us on our facebook group.

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